I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
its cute though when you google his name more than one mug shot comes up from different states
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
Randomize