Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
Who knows. I'd probably only get a makeout with an OTPHJ from her so the return on sexual investment from her isn't looking that great.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
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