Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
Sensing a theme here
If alcoholism is a theme, yes.
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
Randomize