Do you reaalllllly want to put "porn editor" on your resume?
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
The plan is that you eat an edible first, then pressure your dad to do one. You know you are down.
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
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