Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
For an hr, you were convinced you no longer had a right arm so you played Super Mario Bros with just your left hand vs Beth. You won btw, mite b why she refused to wear the unicorn head
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
Randomize
