The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Randomize
