my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
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