i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
Randomize
