His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
I need a beard to bite.
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
Randomize
