Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
Tequila me may have very bluntly told him that I wanted to touch his abs.
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
Randomize
