My liver just broke up with me...
Everything we own is covered in grass and KY
i dont even know how to be here
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
Randomize
