I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
We did blind alcohol taste testing and she got 10 of 10. I'm in love.
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
Randomize
