I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
You should have seen k-money last night. She was just hanging on to the toilet for half the night. By her fourth trip to puke, she started talking to it and was doing the voices for her and it. She kept saying "...we thank you for your continued business..." haha
I need to stop hooking up with boys in my major. three boys in one class is just a litttle too awkward.
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
He literally cocked blocked all the dudes that tried to talk to the girls he was with, and they all loved him.
Same guy who tossed the brunet over his shoulder as they left screaming "Bring me my lucky shovel!"
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
Hold your horses dude. Titty pics are a work of art.
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
