are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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