My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
I'm gonna write a book, Things that go bump in the night: The story of Katelyn. Chapter one, my roommate is a dumb whore.
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize