No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
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