just survived the first fart of the relationship.
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
Just curious... Do you still have the cocks bracelet? You know, the one we pass around to whoevers been the biggest slut recently?
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
My feelings for him are donzo molonzo but I can't turn down a pierced penis...
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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