So I had sex in the woods... it was just as dirty as you'd expect it would be.. and not in a good way.
Don't you think facebook is a bit pretentious, suggesting friends and all? No facebook, I would NOT like to be friends with a girl whose fiancee I have slept with.
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
Randomize
