Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
You pretty much isn't said it
Those words don't go together.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
Randomize
