Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
is it acceptable to cross the border for sex?
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
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