Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
how do i word it so it doesnt sound like im asking him if he has ever been in jail.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
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