nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
I just watched a video of Justin Bieber kissing a girl..... the sad thing is that I actually got upset.
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
You made out with two different species that night
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
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