Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
she was laying naked in the stream looking for "ribbays", which is apparently drunk for frogs.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
Randomize
