OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
Randomize
