woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
Also he said my vagina was sculpted by gods so there must be some feelings here.
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
Randomize
