I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
adderall flavored popcorn. yes we did it and its awesome
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
I honestly get shocked all over again every time I pull his pants down. It's one of those feelings you never get tired of.
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
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