I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
I have all the porn. Be there soon
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