i just sent this text using only my big toe
It was great. Even bought me breakfast in the AM
From?
Well, he didn't exactly take me out, but left a $20 on the table...
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
Randomize
