So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
My balls are so social today.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
Just went through campus. In the span of 2 min I saw 4 places I've had sex. And thats just down one street. Man do I miss college.
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
Randomize
