No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
He def has a gf... But hes 7 feet tall and that superceeds any morality I may have.
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
Just realized the guy is in my class. Unless there's another guy that had half his ear bit off at a St. Patty's party
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Randomize
