Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
i agree, on both the sex thing and the unrepentant bastard thing
Randomize
