what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
then he tried to convert me to islam
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow
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