I texted him about a book we both like. I was expecting a "ya great book... let's bone" response. It didn't work
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
I'm more concerned with the fact that he was UNconcerned that live poultry could peck him in the nutsack @ any moment of sex
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
Randomize