Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
well apperantly i passed out on the stairs shouting "victory".
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
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