youre lurking in front of me
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
Randomize
