Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
Randomize
