help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
you win again, gameday.
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
