there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
its like his balls were made of silver and he was trying to polish the tarnish off
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
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