my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
Vagic. Defined as a kind of magic one has over a girl's vagina. Used in a sentence... he's an accomplished vagician.
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
Do toy wanna orseer frim onedof tjose plaves? Sry textimg with globes on
Gloves*
Out of all the words to correct, you chose gloves??
Randomize
