So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
Randomize
