Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
dude i have an english essay and a bio lab due tomorow
so basically your not goin out tonight?
who said that?
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
Randomize
