I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
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