I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Randomize