i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
Randomize
