Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
He got cut off by the bartender. So he kept buying people drinks of they would i get him a drink. Before you know it him and 8 people were outside the bat trying to get people. To by them drinks
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
the last i saw he was butt naked on the top deck of the bus trying to conduct a drunken choir so i really have no idea
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
