the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
Shame is for Republicans.
Randomize
