What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
His dick looks just like him, taller than average, thick, and somehow always angry.
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
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