I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
I'm currently being signed up to be painted nude for a college art class. ah yes best high decision ever
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
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