cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
And my dad told him he was a great looking guy. and then added "no homo" after.
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
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