so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
PS Can you transmit a UTI to a sexual partner? I tried to ask, but the doctor just told me to abstain (sup Bristol) for my own good w/o answering
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
nothing worse than walking out of class after 3 hours and having covered exactly zero information
walking out with herpes. that would be worse
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
Randomize
