pshh wine cellars. now if he has a tequila cellar whole different story
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
If by fun you mean, did I meet her cousin for the.first time and bang him, then yes it was a productive evening.
Randomize
