is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
New channing tatum movie.
I'll bring my vibrator.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
its my first week of college and i have a UTI
not easy being a whore now is it
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
How does one acquire holy water?
Randomize
