I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
my advisor is telling us the best way to sneak in alcohol on move in day. I definately picked the right college
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
Randomize
