Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
Chicken burrito, or no deal.
Is that code for my vagina?
Who the fuck has ever referred to a vagina as a chicken burrito
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
Randomize