just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
I sold him an eighth while trippin balls wearin my girlfriends tutu and tube top. and i was talking about albinos the entire time
well, he defiantly picked the right guy to buy drugs from
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
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