I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Randomize
