i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
I am dressed. And we didn't do anything. He's gorgeous and tall tho. Something nice to look at when I'm hungover
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
Randomize
