One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Randomize
